Hello, Goodbye

It took me years to muster the courage to open the door. I had to learn how to turn the lock, and not let the creaking hinges deter me from widening the gap to the other side. And it took resolve to step back and let them enter.

They came in, one by one. They started taking up space in different corners of the room. Some got comfy real soon, some didn’t care for it and left. It didn’t bother me when they did. To be honest, I may have not noticed their exit.

I was caught up with the ones in the room.

There was joy, laughter, madness and exhilaration. The tempo was upbeat. It felt like the room pulsed with activity. So much distance was travelled, so many memories made, so much was discovered and we kept coming back for more, again and again. We made art on the walls, splashes of colors that left lasting impressions. We left dents on the floor with the weight of the emotions we carried, we changed the vibe of the room. We changed the soul of the room. We made it our own.

And then it began. The ticking rang in my ears. The glances grew distant, the interest waned. Something set you off and to be honest, till this day I cannot really explain. There doesn’t seem to be one incident or moment that witnessed when or how we grew apart. It just happened and seemed to happen very fast.

My skin itched and I grew nervous. Said things I didn’t mean, did things I shouldn’t have. I tried to shut that door to keep you from leaving, when I should have known, I never could have.

I wished I wasn’t as forgettable as your silence. I wished I wasn’t the only one staring at the colors on the wall, thinking of times that were better. I wished I wasn’t the only one who wanted to fight through the gloom. I wished I wasn’t the only one who thought I mattered enough, that you would remain in the room.

Don’t depend on anyone too much in this world, even our shadow leaves us in the dark. I am conflicted about the lesson I am supposed to learn when I look around the wreck in the room, when I look around my ransacked heart.

I don’t know if I made it easy for them to leave. I don’t know if them staying back was ever a promise. Words like forever and always are thrown around so easily, I suppose people don’t realize someone is collecting the number of times they are discarded.

There is strength, there is resolve, there is gumption to keep going. There is maturity to know these things happen, and it is not all about me. There is knowledge that people are complex and relationships even more so. There is a bounty of worth to know I am capable of shutting that door.

But there is pain for now. So much of it I don’t know what to do. I only keep staring at the walls of the room.