Goodbye, Hello!

365 new days, 365 new chances.

When I read my post I wrote sometime around this time last year, I am left feeling amused and foolish. 2018 was like a tsunami, it left me trembling in its wake. It wrecked the world I’d crafted so diligently for myself, and left me surrounded in the debris of a veneer I had designed for myself.

They say be careful of what you wish for, and that sometimes what you want is not what you always need. And yes, I’ve heard songs with those lyrics multiple times but never thought it’d apply to me. But life has ways of pulling off your blinkers – just that it never does it gently.

Life just washed away mine with one swipe of a massive wave.

And I did what I was supposed to. Put it all back together, one broken bit at a time.

New Years Eve’s always makes us plan, dream, resolute and commit – I think it reassures us that we still have a chance to fulfill what we meant to do. And we are so desperate for that reassurance, we commit an entire day to the sole notion of possibilities.

So I bid goodbye, to the girl who grew up angry, brave and with grit, who had a point to prove to the world, but more to herself, and somewhere along the way, forgot the power of vulnerability. To the girl who hid from the world’s judgement but at the same time doubted her own. Who let her demands be placed first and he needs second, who let her fears command and silence the voice of instinct. I bid goodbye to the girl who buried parts of herself she deemed unworthy, just because she wasn’t ready to accept it all.

And I say hello, to the girl, who opened the door to tolerance, understanding, the quiet strength of letting go and the hard, brutal weight of rising above. I welcome the girl who doesn’t want to be comfortable or correct, who is not afraid to come second, and is ready to gulp down her fear of rejection, lower that armor and raise her chin to the world bravely. I look forward to the girl who can feel openly; cry without shame, love without inhibitions, dislike without rancor and laugh with no holds barred. I greet the girl who is comfortable in her skin; marred as it may be, and struts with beauty and confidence, content that she is living the life exactly that she is meant to be.

Yesterday, I was not ready, so life gave way. Today, I am prepared, so I’ll find my own.