Broken Rules

“You dance secretly inside my heart, where no one else can see.”- Rumi

They were only fantasies. Whims that I acted in front of the mirror, with an imaginary dance partner, under the shield of my blanket, within the comforting embrace of the night. This was only an notion others confessed about, I silently prayed for, secretly mistrusted and openly yearned.

It wasn’t meant to happen.

The butterflies, the excitement, the nauseating anticipation, the gripping thrills which all rush through me. They were read about in stories and rhymes, giggled through the teenage whilst I held a small smile, perhaps with a little disdain. How foolish, I deemed! This juvenile emotion.

They call it so many things; crush, attraction, infatuation. I call it a rift in reality.

Because that is what is keeping us apart. Your reality and mine, of different worlds, and people and decisions. Of actions and consequences. Of counter-moves and speculations. Your reality of a world in which everything was perfect, and mine with its splendid imperfections.

They can question and marvel at the design of destiny; bringing together dark and light, fun and gloom, passion and logic, calm and the tempest. You and me.

But we can never be. Which is why the glances will suffice, the held breaths which break out in sighs will make do. The occasionally touches, the secret smiles, the knowing looks of comfort, appreciation and desire, the knowledge that the molecules which vibrate in the air when we are at close distance is felt by the universe. The songs we share because we are too choked to sing. The silence we share because we’re afraid to say it our loud. It’ll do for now.

Because you are more than what I have ever had, you are far better than what I have ever dreamed. You are my beautiful and terrible secret. My unnecessary complication. My exaggerated spectrum of feelings. My unfinished business. My latest fear. My most desirable conquest. My unfinished business.

You are what breaks my heart. But you are also that reminds me it beats.

I broke my rules for you. And I’ll break them again and again.

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