If you could go back in time, would you change things?
I get stuck in conversation. I fight battles in my head and win. I’m a fucking warrior in there. Outside? Not so much.
There is an itch I feel on my lower back when I think of the past, and elude calling some experiences or decision as regrets. After 18 years of misery, pathos and flirtations with suicide, I’d promised myself, “No regrets”. (Ha!)
There are paths that I’ve chosen, people that I’ve hurt, things I’ve said and done, choices that I’ve forsaken and questions that I carry. So, one does wonder sometime, if I could go back, would I change things?
I’m not sure. There are some experiences I’d pay to avoid! But, those experiences taught me a lot, even though they left invisible and some visible, grooves on my body. The pain, with due respect, made me stronger. The sheer frustration and apprehension of the future challenged me to deal with my qualms. The nightmares that kept chasing me found answers eventually.
I strongly believe that if you find yourself in the same spot in life again and again, you’ve not learnt your lesson yet, and life won’t give up until you do. Time, is something similar. It gives you memories, which when you sit idle by the beach staring longingly at the horizon with a glass in your hand, you can revoke, analyze, cherish or discard. That’s our machine to travel in the past. That’s the only one we need.
So despite not knowing why he dumped me, or why she hurt me, or why they abandoned me, or why I walked away… it is enough to know I did all that. And it made me what I am today.
And I have to deal with it.
To move forward, not back.